Listen Up
by lazaefair
Summary: He has something to tell you. A mostly harmless parody.
1. Complaint 1

_All standard disclaimers apply. And, to make it clear, this parody is **not** aimed at anyone in particular. Please don't shoot me._

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My dear writers of Breakfast Club fanfics:

You may not realize who I am right away. I am a secondary character who constantly shadows one of the main characters of the so-called "Breakfast Club." In fact, some might say I am not a character at all. These same people might claim that I fall more into the "prop" category, or worse, the "convenient plot device" category.

I beg very much to differ. You people don't realize that I have feelings, too, and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them. Or in my case, kicks them repeatedly. Or sometimes punches them deliberately. And that freaking hurts, you know? I understand that you writers have to have conflict in your stories to make them interesting, but couldn't you keep the hostilities confined to your cheerleader villains? Don't innocent bystanders get to be treated with a little respect? And I am nothing if not the very definition of innocent.

But no. When you people need angst, all you have to do is bend me or shake me or otherwise break me in various ways that hurt like heck. That sucks MAJORLY. And it happens ALL THE TIME, DANGIT.

Look, do I look like someone who enjoys hurting my owner? I know darn well whenever one of you writers decide it's convenient to have me snap, it causes him pain in many unspeakable ways. Not to mention all that emotional crap that he goes through as a result of all the jerks you surround him with. And what about me? I'm the one in the FREAKING BODY BRACE. With NO anesthesia at all, that's what sucks the most. Sure, I'm all for a little pain in the name of good storytelling, but couldn't you inject me with something, at least some of the time?

Or, at the very least, stop WRITING so much about how much I'm hurting, how much my owner is hurting, and so on. Let up a little. Please. I'm begging you.

Because, you see, it happens every time you write about me in a fic. Every. FREAKING. TIME. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. One of these days, I will break for good, and then my owner will be permanently crippled and no longer available for any of your fics. Would you like that? Would you like to see him fade out of your stories simply because you used me one too many times? Huh?

I'm not kidding. Don't make me take drastic measures, okay? Because to do that, I will have to inflict a lot of punishment on myself. I don't want that, he doesn't want that, and I am very sure none of you want that.

And you can put that on record. Get it? This is a THREAT.

Have a nice day, and think about this letter before you write about me...again.

Sincerely,

Andy's Long Suffering Knee

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_Like it or love it? Or do you tend towards the other end of the spectrum? Let me know what you think. I need all ya'll's reviews. Thank you._

_However, if any of you take this "letter" seriously, or conclude that it is reflective of my actual opinion, then I WILL shoot you. Seriously, this isn't a rant or anything. It's a parody. Let me know what you think.  
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	2. Complaint 2

_I know, I know, this concept has been beaten to death. But I couldn't resist._

_All standard disclaimers apply._

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Yo, fanfic writers.

I see you've all read the letter written by my man Andy's Knee. I hope you've taken the time to ponder it. Because now it's my turn.

You know who I am, punks? I am Bender's Nose, that's who I am. And I do _NOT_, repeat, _NOT_ take kindly to being broken repeatedly. You try it sometime, being punched and bloodied every other day. Every other fic. And you know, that's not the worst.

You all KNOW that I've been broken before. You KNOW what Bender's dad does to him (and me). But guess what? YOU KEEP ON BREAKING ME. I have to take all that shit from Bender Sr. and his cronies, and then you writers take over from there!

Can't a guy get a rest between beatings? You know, some time to recuperate from swelling, bleeding, and otherwise being in _extreme_ pain? And while we're on the subject of beatings, my comrades would like to send their complaints over. Bender's Eye (and the other one, too) is sick and tired of being crushed to jelly. Bender's Knuckles are still recovering from that last bloodying, and would you please give Bender's Ribcage a break?

But personally, I think Bender's Skin has the most cause for complaint (besides me). Do you punks _know_ how much pain he's in right now? And it sucks balls, because he's not allowed into the hospital without his owner. All those scars and, I quote, "fucking bruises and scrapes and cuts and stitches, my God, the stitches, do you !#$# punks know how much stitches hurt, you little &!$#$#...!"

Anyway, that's how it is. I am warning you, we are going on strike if this goes on any longer. I am _still_ trying to get well from that last encounter I had with a fist (time before that, it was a beer bottle, off-screen, from Bender Sr.) and do you know how fucking difficult it is to get well between fics? I'm punched repeatedly and then I'm expected to heal myself 100, a-okay, for the next fic to come along and abuse me. Sometimes I get even less time than that! At the whim of you cruel, sadistic writers! Jesus Christ, guys, _GET A LIFE._

And fucking leave me alone. If you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for that next beating...

Sincerely (very sincerely),

Bender's Nose


End file.
